Work-Life Balance

Pick One

A lot of companies make some token statement about providing a work/life balance, but crafting that statement seems to be the extent of their efforts.

Any job that entails communicating with customers face-to-face doesn’t dare to mention a work/life balance, because that balance is up to chance. You want to go home? Great, see you tomorrow and….oops, a customer just exploded. Clean up may take awhile. It’s always something, huh?

You can’t possibly plan a schedule around customers, because customers, let’s face it, don’t care about your schedule. They care about what they want to buy. Employers don’t care about your schedule, they care about what customers want to buy.

You are the unfortunate middleman between customers and your employer. If you could just learn how to go without normal human needs, like going to the bathroom, things would work out dandy. Instead, you’re putting biological functions ahead of business. You could get written up for that.

This is basically my day off, if all goes well. If all doesn’t go well I have to do errands and other things that take away from valuable time that could be spent doing nothing. This is why I like nature documentaries. Those lions who spend long stretches just lounging around in between eating something that can’t run fast enough? Yeah, they’re living how we are supposed to be living.

You never see a lion running an errand. They aren’t smart enough to invent the concept of errands. I’m not saying we’re that much smarter than lions, mind you, but we are smart enough to ruin a good thing.

This was written after I hurt my back. I put a lot of feeling into it. That feeling was back pain.

Oh, the ugly, ugly schedule. It mutates like an upset stomach. There are people changing shifts, people looking to change shifts, managers who demand shift changes, nice managers negotiating shift changes, no shows, call offs, and Bob.

Bob is the guy you were chatting with about the weather five minutes ago. He’s happy-go-lucky and kind of a goof off. He shows up late all of the time but has been on the job nearly a year. You can’t help but like Bob. You wouldn’t say you depend on Bob for anything, but he’s a nice guy.

Then you’re doing whatever you’re paid to do and mention Bob to a manager. That manager says that Bob “is no longer with the company”. What? Bob? You were just talking to Bob. The manager sets their jaw firmly and repeats the magic words. “Bob is no longer with the company.”

“No longer with the company” is corporate speak for Bob getting whacked. He’s dead as far as they’re concerned. They’d love to brag about getting rid of his dead weight and tell you exactly how they let him have it, but they don’t want to get sued.

How glad, mad, or confused the staff will be about Bob’s firing can be measured by the decibel levels of gossip in the breakroom. The worse it is, the lower the decibel level. Whispering is for the worst firings.

That’s why there’s no mention of a work/life balance in customer-oriented work. Inevitably, you’ll find a staff member who’s gone a very long time without a day off. Most companies know when to shut up.

In retail you stand a lot. You’ll hurt your feet and your knees. Any time I do a comic like this I hear from readers from more understanding countries who let their cashiers sit. They tell me how ridiculous this is and wonder why we don’t have chairs. To you fortunate readers I say, yes, it’s stupid. That’s why I make fun of it.

I can tell you that it’s some sort of Americanism that sitting isn’t professional. I know that when I’m buying something at the end of a long day, the first thing I take note of is the stance of the staff. If they’re sitting, I get offended and march right out of there. Why would I, a human being that doesn’t lounge around all day like some lazy lion, buy something from people who don’t even have he dignity to stand? I’ll buy my Fruity Pebbles elsewhere, thank you.

I love to talk with family and friends, but I can get tired of talking after talking to people all day. By the time I get around the people I want to talk to the most, I’m too tired of talking to talk.

It’s kind of sad.

Beautiful summer days should be automatic holidays for all.

This was written when I had a boss exactly like this. At first I thought he was legitimately concerned for my well being. He was very good at acting that way. But no, of course not. He just wanted me back at work.

He’s not my manager anymore because I’m not at that company anymore, so there is such a thing as a happy ending.

If you’re really sick, it’s perfectly reasonable to pad out your sick days. Why go back to work too soon? You don’t need to leap right back to work the second you feel good. It’s healthy and proactive in case you’re not as well as you think you are.

Just don’t tell your company, “Hey, I feel great this morning, but I’m going to take it easy just to make sure.” Looking out for yourself isn’t being the dynamic self-starter that was described in the job listing when you applied for the job. “Dynamic self starter”, by the way, is code for “sucker”.

Let’s not make it a little bit of life balancing out a lot of work. Go for the gold. Make a lot of life balance out a lot of work.