Nobody Reads Signs

Which Is Why I Write Them

Hey look, my most popular article is “Posted”, which discusses the signs that appear in my comics. I previously worked in advertising for an intense Marketing Director, so when I discovered that reader response to that piece was beyond all expectation, I leapt on that knowledge with my old boss’ voice ringing in my ears by doing absolutely nothing.

I have the marketing instincts of a squid.

Nevertheless, I took a closer look at the signs in my comics. Very close. I had to do a lot of squinting. They are written quickly as an afterthought. Using state of the art graphic software from 2007, I blow the signs up to a very legible size and write them out. They were initially only for my amusement. Little did I know that people would enlarge very pixilated web versions and still be able to read them. I was very pleased with this.

I have a couple of consistent readers who do not know how to enlarge their screen to read the signs. At once I am grateful for their reading and reluctant to type them all out for them. I used to type out signs for individuals who messaged me, but it became very tedious very quickly. You’ve heard that a joke isn’t funny if you have to explain it? It’s really not funny if you have to type it out.

So if you’re not reading on a phone, please know that you can enlarge your screen by pressing Control and the plus (+) symbol on your keyboard (and for Mac users, it’s Command and plus). You can press Control and the minus (-) symbol to shrink your screen back to normal. Or maybe it’s a dash, who knows. Yes, it’s very annoying. This is why I thought nobody would bother to do it.

Let’s dive in, shall we?

The breakroom is a good start. Breakrooms are prime sign locations. Sometimes it’s about employee perks, like discount tickets to a local amusement park. Usually it’s where they stuff all of the legal documents they are required to post about your job. If you injure yourself at work, you might find the Workers Comp doctor information here. Try not to bleed on the breakroom tables.

Hmmm, I didn’t have to enlarge my screen. Maybe these could be used in eye exams. I’ll leap on this marketing idea in a couple of decades.

Might as well go from the breakroom to the doctor here. Doctors also have a lot of signs, but many of them are actually useful. Between the advertisements for the latest and fantastic drug that your insurance won’t pay for you might see some good info on how to detect a stroke or heart attack. I always find those signs to be stressful. I immediately start questioning whether I’m having any of the symptoms. Thankfully, I can point to one of the advertisements for stress drugs and request that before I leave.

Now we’ve gone from the doctor’s office to the hospital. Wow, these are flowing better than I thought. Poor Vickie is in the hospital, recovering from a workplace romance that she was forced to witness (typical retail workplace drama).

Do hospitals have visiting hours anymore? The ones I’ve been to lately seem to let you hang out night and day if you want. I’m not sure why you would want to if it’s not your immediate family, but a free room is a free room. Pull up a chair and take a nap.

Ok, back to work. I’ve always wondered how they determine the price of some of those clearance items, and after talking with a manager in charge of such things I am still wondering. It’s usually done in a corporate office far away from the actual store. I’m also highly suspicious of clearance candy corn. My suspicion is that candy has seen at least ten Halloweens.

Many stores have become a tad loose with their pet restrictions. As stated a million times before, I don’t know why this is. Keep your pet’s butt away from my food, please.

Happy signs announcing a store renovation need to stop. I congratulate their attempt to put a positive spin on the open construction pit in the middle of the place, but the only thing harder than trying to find your regular items after a store renovation is finding your regular items during a store renovation.

Ah, candy bars. They may cost more, but at least they don’t taste as good! I want my ten year old taste buds back.

You may find more emotional signs next to a time clock, usually handwritten. There might be phrases like “no exceptions!” written in red ink. Just in case getting clocked in on time isn’t stressful enough, these signs help your heart rate get to where it needs to be to induce panic.

You get a lot of legal signs at a gas station because of alcohol and cigarettes, but there are also plenty of handwritten signs at many locations. This is where you’ll find the funniest misspellings. I have saved pictures of such signs but it seems too mean to share them. Well, that and the knowledge that I’ve had some pretty bad spelling mistakes make it to print. Redactions are more shameful than handwritten gas station signs. Stay in school, kids.

Back to the breakroom, which is forever trying to be a self-cleaning breakroom. One day we will be able to set our drink down on a table that isn’t smeared with mustard or some other condiment, and then we shall know peace for a thousand years.

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I’ve previously asked my readers if they actually read signs. I think it’s safe to say most of you are here because you like to read. However, there are always the funny “did not read” stories….