When Real Life Sucks

You make a comic about it, of course.

As I’ve said countless times before, whether in one-on-one interviews, packed arena events, or even here on Substack (which is, frankly, the most probable since it’s not a fantasy), I started making these comics during the pandemic when work was a bit unbearable. The company’s stock had tripled in value and we got mandatory overtime as a reward.

Yay.

“Never give a guy armed with a comic strip a hard time”, my grandfather never said, “he has an outlet to channel that abuse.” How right you weren’t, grandpa! The comic has allowed me to share situations and feelings with thousands of people who’ve also had similar situations and feelings, which in turn helps me situate my feelings.

It’s been nice.

So I dug through the ol’ comic barrel to dig up comics that were inspired by true and painful memories. It took about ten seconds to realize that I didn’t have to dig. Most are inspired by painful memories. Only now they are pleasant memories, in that I have a pleasant memory of making a comic about these situations.

Eventually, the pandemic ended, work became more bearable, and corporate acted quickly by making it unbearable again. As my grandma never added to what grandpa didn’t say, “a cartoonist knows when to exaggerate, and when to translate, gicky-gicky, coo kaaa!” Grandma was recovering from an embolism, but I think we all know what she was trying to say.

We closed at nine. At 9:01 p.m. people would be banging on the door, right under the “CLOSED” sign. I vividly remember one guy screeching his car to a halt at our front door right as we were locking it. When he couldn’t get in, he whipped out his phone and started recording us. My coworker waved. I started making funny faces.

I don’t know what he thought he was recording, but perhaps it was a viral reel. “STORE CLOSES ON TIME!” I’m sure it got millions of hits.

For awhile, every company that helped customers wanted people to fill out a survey. Eventually, most survey asking stopped, except where I worked. I always got reprimanded for not asking for surveys because I was weird and actually liked most of the customers.

If a customer is eager to fill out a survey, you know what that means? They’re upset. They can’t wait to tell those in charge what they think of the place. So you wind up with a lot of surveys that are not exactly a scientific poll of what the masses think. If you offer them a little bribe for filling out a survey, like a coupon, that’s not objective either.

I’m still not sure who is benefitting from all of the inaccurate surveys, but I suspect it’s people with “Vice President” in their job title.

The last thing I want to do after a busy day is talk. I’ve talked to customers for hours about their problems, favorite products, their own work problems, hated products, the weather, their family, employees, the weather of places I’ve never been to, finances, and, god help us, politics.

I’ve used up all of my consonants and vowels, thank you. Let’s enjoy the novelty of not talking.

I’ve had several bosses who have done this. They get sick and take off several days. Nobody says anything because they’re the boss. Then, of course, they give the cold to you and they wonder why the hell you’re taking so much time off.

Boss sick time is very different than employee sick time. They may describe a scenario where they were doing a great amount of work from their sick bed. This is a lie.

A positive force will occasionally be scheduled to work with a negative force, and it’s a fascinating experiment to observe. Make sure you lay down a lot of plastic, because it’s a messy experiment to conduct. Objects may be thrown.

The survey Vice Presidents can’t get enough, so they survey the employees.

We got these once a year, and they were insane multiple choice surveys, with choices that made no sense to anyone except whoever wrote the survey.

If you are ever helped by someone who doesn’t exactly make sense, it could be because they have been helping people longer than doctors recommend. Some customers are very sympathetic to a tired employee, but I’m always surprised by all of the people who acknowledge, briefly, that you may die of exhaustion at any minute and then continue on with whatever they need as if you are simply an annoying machine that isn’t up to speed.

No exaggeration necessary for this one. I had a manager, let’s call him Benny, who posed this exact question. This was the exact response to that exact question.

This is me at home. If I make it to a reclining position, I will not resume a vertical pose for as long as my bladder allows. Like talking, I’ve done enough standing for one day.

If anyone needs someone to play a corpse on stage for a play, I’m available any night after work.

This went into my notebook one day when I came back from lunch and took off my coat and hat too close to the front counter. I was immediately asked questions by customers who piled up while we were rotating lunch breaks.

If you must enter through the front door, keep your head down and march confidently past the customers, into the staff area, and out of eyesight. Then take off your coat.