"This Would Never Happen!"

(Yes it did.)

Today I’ve selected a few comics that have earned my favorite comment, “This would never happen.” Why is it my favorite comment? Because it happened. Not only did it happen, I was delighted it happened because it saved me so much time thinking and writing. All I had to do was go home and draw the event.

Maybe people are jaded by years of “reality shows”, which are programs that require quotation marks around their descriptor. You know, the shows where “real” things happen “without direction” with people who aren’t “playing up to the camera”. Yeah, those shows. Honest reality shows would require at least a year filming, even more editing, and legal agreements from innocent bystanders who would never allow themselves to be recorded, let alone appear on TV, as the foolish, fallible people we all are capable of being at one time or another.

I’d like to see an honest reality show, because reality is crazy.

I posted this little story again on Facebook recently. I abbreviated it a bit (hey, comic strip reruns can be edited just like TV shows). It has always garnered positive comments, but with the sad addendum that reality doesn’t work this way.

Except that it does. Or did.

This happened in real life, courtesy of the person who inspired Tabby. The fiction here is that I gave it to Berle. The real life person worked at a place for many years before barking about pay disparity. Management freaked out and eventually gave historically high raises to employees who had been slaving away for many years without any reward for their efforts.

Her magic word was “union”.

The comment on Facebook was “Wait what? It worked? That's how you know it's a fictional comic.”

Good things sometimes happen, especially when a persistent employee is pissed off about mistreatment and management has some very serious concerns about their employees joining a union.

I still think they should unionize.

This was my employee. I inherited her from the previous manager. He told me that she was the unluckiest person in the world because, by god, she sent him pictures of her flat tires, her frequent auto accidents, and a few other things that he neglected to do a reverse image search on.

I was going to make this character an ongoing problem, but it was too painful to write about. She only lasted a week. The real person lasted about nine months.

Throughout his comic strip career, Berle has been the master of excuses, so it seemed reasonable that he was Keaton’s mentor. It takes a lot of creativity to perform a bold excuse. It’s too bad that can’t be redirected into something more positive and beautiful, like writing a comic strip.

This is the guy who promoted me. He was amazing. Annoying, but amazing. Well, ok, he wasn’t annoying. He was a positive go-getter. A ball of energy. Mr. Magnificent. An employee who was so devoted to the company that I can’t imagine what kind of emotional energy he could possibly have for anything else, like a family.

So, yeah, I guess that was annoying to me. I’ve never been able to muster up that kind of affection for a worldwide conglomerate.

Nobody would talk like this. The character doesn’t believe that good employees can just do their job and go home. They have to be driven to help the corporate footprint ooze into every crevice on the planet. Such an exaggeration.

Sadly, it wasn’t. It was basically a transcribed conversation. I was just thankful that I didn’t have to think too hard at the end of an exhausting day to find something to write about.

Justin, may all of your stores be the best in whatever district you are managing.

“Since this is pure fantasy, you might as well have given her the winning lotto ticket too.” That was the top comment on GoComics.

This happened a few times. It’s mostly based on the actions of a man who worked for the company for 30 years. He allowed customers to vent. He listened patiently to their problems. He let them be angry. He knew that people who were having a bad day were not to be judged too harshly, because it happens to us all. He was a really excellent employee that the customers loved.

But I don’t recall him ever giving out a free soda.

I gave out the free soda.

And you know what? If all you want to think about is money, giving out a free soda to a customer who’s having a bad day will make you much more money in goodwill. That is, if you know what you’re doing. Tossing out free sodas to all isn’t going to play out, sure, but if you do it right you will spin things in the correct direction.

Trust me.