The Perfect Vacation

It's anything that involves not going to work.

I’ve never been a great vacation planner. Normally I just plan to use my vacation days. You know those people who have elaborate vacations planned that involve exotic locales and multiple family members? Yeah, mine don’t go like that. My vacations are always missing something. It’s hard to put my finger on it, but I never have the little flair that makes it more interesting.

Oh, yeah! Money! I’m missing the money part in my vacation plans. By the time I pay for food, rent, car, electricity, phone, breathing, and whatever the hell else I’m being charged for that’s eighteen times more than it’s actually worth, I’m a little short on cash.

So I just plan on not working. That’s the idea, right? Luckily, I’m a tad creative. I just wrap my brain around anything with the word “free” attached to it and enjoy that. There’s a lot of free things, if you know where to look. You might have to spend a couple of hundred dollars driving to them, sure, but they are free. I may use those creative skills to learn how to jump aboard a moving train. I may lose a foot, because everything comes at a price, but as long as that price doesn’t involve money I’m good to go (albeit, not on foot).

We’re talking about living paycheck to paycheck. The frugal planner would learn how to cut out unnecessary expenses, like dinner, to save up for fun things, but I’ve never been able to master that kind of frugalness.

Speaking of free things, my father enjoyed going to parks and we saw a lot of them. It was only natural that Penny would wind up in a cave.

Why caves? I like caves because they’re cold. If you go to a park in the middle of summer, the first thing you may notice is the lack of air conditioning. It’s hard to appreciate nature when your glasses are smeared with sweat and various bug entrails. Going in a cave is the park’s version of stepping into a movie theater. There’s no movie, but by then you don’t care. You’re out of the heat and that’s all the entertainment you need.

Don’t worry about Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. I had them show up, lost, at the store about six months later. By then, readers had forgotten all about them. Lesson learned. No more six month callbacks about two silent background characters who appeared in one comic from me.

Whenever I, I mean Penny…yes, this is about Penny, tries to take a day off work, work finds a way to bug her. That includes sick time. So If she gets hit by a bus and goes into a coma, the first thing she will see when she regains consciousness will not be hospital staff or family, but her boss. Her boss will need something.

Deep beneath the earth where cellphones don’t work, Penny finds her way to work. Naturally.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen these strips. There’s Charlie, the emotionally responsive cup. He wasn’t called Charlie at the time, but one day I needed a name for him and reached for my two favorite Charlies, Chaplin and Brown, and slapped the name on him.

I’ve visited many states in the United States and inevitably whoever I’m working for says “Oh you’re going to (name of state)? You should stop in at our location over there! I’ll tell them you’re coming!” Apparently visiting another location of whatever corporation you work for is supposed to be a great thrill while you’re enjoying life away from whatever corporation you work for.

I’ve never done it. I don’t care. I mean, I really don’t care. I’m sure the people are lovely, but I’m on vacation.

I’ve always bowed out of company picnics, too. No, this doesn’t make me the most popular guy in the break room, but, again, who cares? It’s nice that companies offer picnics for families to enjoy, but when a business whose sole obsession is making more money than it did last year is suddenly all family friendly, I can’t help but wonder what their angle is. Is it a cult-like attempt to indoctrinate every soul within reach into corporate goals? Let’s assume yes to that question and not attend.

I did go to library events. Working for the library is never a money making proposition, but one of education. They hold fun and wacky events because librarians and support staff are fun and wacky people. Politically-minded city counsel members are trying to change that, but so far libraries remain mostly safe. Their speakeasies contain banned books. The secret word is “swordfish”.

Ah, Ian the cave guy. I couldn’t leave him all impaled by a stalagmite, so I brought him back. This caused some concern that I had confused stalagmite with stalactite, but rest assured that he fell onto a stalagmite.

Caves are cool, but creepy.

I have to say that despite sharing the same financial situation, Penny enjoys more eventful vacations than I do. Mine usually consist of watching an entire TV series that I’ve become obsessed with. I’ve never put it to the test, but I’m not sure that makes for something interesting to write about.