The Best I Can Be

Is Just Some Of Me

Well, here we are in mid-January and I feel pretty naked without any resolutions, even though I joke about resolutions. I never thought the beginning of the year was the best time to start something new, because if I’m not still doing it by March it’s easy for me shrug my shoulders and say that I’ll try again next January. I wind up slapping myself and reminding me that resolutions can be made at any time. Then I give myself a loud, motivational speech. This is usually done in the parking lot of some fast food joint and people definitely start staring. They might even start recording.

Do you ever look back with fondness at things you used to do without any prompting? You’re going down memory lane like a parent, only you are your own kid, and you didn’t raise yourself to the best of your ability. For shame.

I used to read more. I’d read one or two books a week. I was also organized. God, I was organized. I knew exactly where everything was. I even exercised. I had a morning workout routine. I ate healthy foods and had special evenings when I rewarded myself with a little dessert. Where did that guy go? He’s still the one typing this, right? He’s in there somewhere, yes?

Hang on. I’m eating pizza as I type this. Tomato sauce is on the keyboarsjfkad

My point is that I can do better. Years ago I did things that I now envy, but if I put my mind to it, I can do them again. The concerning part is that before I was doing those things without prompting. When I read a lot it was because I wanted to read. When I exercised it was because I enjoyed exercising. I was organized because I liked to spend a lot of time cleaning and putting things away. What’s stopping me now?

Comics, of course. Making a comic each and every day is quite a workload, and very intimidating. Before I was syndicated by GoComics, I would put off the hours required for writing and drawing with all kinds of crazy things that I thought were equally good for me, like…like…oh my.

To avoid working on comics I would start cleaning, exercising, or reading a book for hours. Now I remember. I made a resolution to stop procrastinating with those things. Well, aren’t I something special? I almost made a resolution that was vanquished by a previous resolution. I’m glad I figured that out because I really want to finish this pizza.

Dedicated to the Goodwill store near me. Their closing announcement usually makes me jump like a basketball star. One thing’s for sure, they really want you to bring your final selections to the counter for a fast and courteous checkout.

Some people said they never heard of the phrase “helpful olive in the pickle jar”. Others, to my amazement, said they googled it. They could’ve saved time by asking me, since I made it up. Sounds like a weird, old saying, though, doesn’t it? Actually, Google’s AI Overview tries to come up with an explanation, which is more of an explanation on how goofy their AI Overview can be.

I’ve made the distinction between “good weird” and “bad weird” for years. I try my best to be “good weird”.

I got to hear from several people whose companies pay for their shoes and I handed out several congratulations. I only had that for the two days I was technically employed as a package handler for FedEx. I got to keep the shoes and wore them during my time as a graphic artist for Gannett newspapers. They made two of my toes on my left foot swell up so badly I had to go to the doctor. Considering that I was only sitting down all day as a graphic artist, I’m glad I never wore them as a package handler.

This reminds me that I still have an exchange to make.

I keep running into check writers. There’s still a major industry that demands the use of checks and that’s the people who commit fraud for a living. Yes, check fraud is still alive and very healthy. Before you dismiss checks as something you’ll never use again, just think of the unfortunate thieves that will be out of a job. Workers on the new prison just outside of town are depending on you, too.

Walking through a line of not-so-happy people to become the one who is helping them is not a very enjoyable walk, but it helps if you try whistling a fun tune as you go.

He totally hid the scanners.

I knew managers who made this mistake. They had four times the inventory that they were supposed to have because they didn’t properly count. I inherited a store that had enough posterboards to hand out to every classroom in the state. They were only supposed to have twenty-eight. Since they didn’t technically exist, I did not technically give them away.

Tabby is the one character who I imagine giving a lot to charity if she were to win the lottery. I envision an animal shelter in a perfect replica of the Sphinx. A Sphinx with Tabby’s likeness as a head would be even better.