Sick

How To Annoy Your Boss

I’ve been sick for the last three days. I didn’t want to get sick. It wasn’t a part of some master plan to sit in bed all day and blow my nose. If that had been my master plan, I would’ve succeeded beyond my wildest dreams, but my dreams have never involved illness. No, I was minding my own business when, WHAM! I got sick with some weirdo nose/throat thing. Possibly fever, who knows. I’m not running out to buy a thermometer while I feel like death.

It’s taken most of my life, but I’ve stopped feeling guilty when calling in sick. I used to muster up my best phlegm-ridden voice and promise I was on my deathbed when calling off. No more. If I’m on my death bed, whatever boss I have will be annoyed regardless, so I’ve stopped feeling guilty about calling off work when my body is giving me warning signs of imminent collapse.

So Friday I texted my boss very early, telling her that I was sick and unable to come in. By mid-afternoon she texted back and said she hoped I was feeling better (a lie) and wanted to know if I could work Saturday (that’s what she cared about). When she learned that I did not magically recover in the seven hours since texting her, I never heard another peep from her.

This is the state of the employer/employee relationship in America. Some companies, like mine, designate “sick time” to use when you are sick. I’ve heard from other people in various countries who are fascinated with this. “What do you do if you run out of sick time?” they ask. “How do you schedule this time? They expect you to choose when to get sick?”

Good questions. Many companies don’t bother with sick time and call it Personal Time Off, or something similar. Use it to pay for days when you’re out sick or gambling in Monte Carlo. Whatever. I like those companies.

The real reason for sick time is for employers to point to your usage and say, “You’re sick too much!” and use that as an excuse to lecture, punish or get rid of you. This helpfulness is to inspire you to make yourself more healthy. It’s the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” method of achieving better health. If somebody, god forbid, gets a terrible disease like cancer, many people will discuss their lifestyle to determine if they caused their illness. It’s a common hobby here.

“Dan? Lung cancer? He didn’t smoke!”

“He set off fireworks every Fourth of July and didn’t back away from the smoke at a safe enough distance.”

“Oh, Dan. So stupid. When will people learn?”

The truth is, of course, that bad things happen to people at any time, without an identifiable cause, and there’s no point blaming the sick person. Which brings us back to me. I’m going into work tomorrow coughing, wheezing, and snotting up the place and I don’t care.

I will be where they asked me to be.

When I first became sick while doing this comic, that meant Penny became sick. Poor Penny. Let’s revisit her sickness with new observations.

This was during the pandemic. Anytime somebody felt anything out of the ordinary, your nose had to become intimate with a Q-Tip.

Back then there were big banners at many workplaces that read “HEROES WORK HERE!” We were not provided capes or applauded by anyone we actually helped or worked with.

This happened. If you didn’t have COVID, the response was elation because it meant you could return to work. Their elation never involved not having a potentially fatal illness.

I remember saying, “Yeah, unfortunately I’M STILL REALLY SICK!” an awful lot.

This was based on a boss that I mentioned in my previous posting. “Benny” had no shame about calling you up and asking how things were going. Eventually, his “aw, shucks” approach would lead to the subject of you returning to work sooner than forecasted. He did an excellent job of pretending to care while not caring, but it wasn’t a reason to go back to work.

It was a reason to screen all calls.

Ok, they bring it on themselves. We receive a lot of annoyance and frustration from managers for having the gall to be sick. That means we can enjoy one day not being sick. Besides, doctors recommend this. Well, one doctor I read about years ago said to wait a day before going back. I forget where I read it but that’s good enough.

This is how it started for me last Thursday. I thought I just had a migraine. But no, it was a harbinger of illness.

Did I write a just a migraine? See what they’ve done to me? No, a migraine is also an excellent reason not to work, but try telling that to managers who have made the job their reason for existing. They’ll tell you there’s aspirin in the first aid kit.

We’re away from COVID with this strip. Being picked up from work because you are sick is the exact feeling you had as a kid of being picked up from school because you’re sick. You have to be pretty sick for this nostalgic trip, but it is a high point in the whole “being sick” process.

This is what I’m going through now. I wasn’t on a plane, but why am I the only one who got sick? Did I get this from work? Of course I got it from work! I can’t prove it, but by god if I had the resources and money I would track down the virus that caused this. I bet it has an employee badge.

This is the only type of work I take home, because being sick is work. You have to have supplies on hand and a support system. It’s a giant pain that I should be thankful is temporary, and I am, but it would be nice if somebody else got the same cold.

Like my boss.