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Look At Me, I'm A Happy Subtitle!

I’m goofy in January. Yes, I’m also goofy the rest of the year, but in January it’s understandable. November and December are exhausting and in January I’m excused if I forget my name. Clearly, it’s the perfect time to do light things at work, like taking inventory. I can always watch Sesame Street if I’ve forgotten how to count.

I kind of feel sorry for stores this time of year. They are pumped with adrenaline from the Christmas season. Swelling with confidence, they put their all into the next holiday, which is poor Valentine’s Day. Racks and racks of February 15th’s clearance aisles are now for sale at laughable prices. Couples from all walks of life will examine the items and look at each other with a knowing expression that says, “Who buys this stuff?”

The answer is simple. Somebody. Somebody is buying all of the Valentine’s Day stuff or they wouldn’t keep making it. Somebody has never run in my social circles because I’ve asked everybody and nobody buys it. But Somebody is out there, overly excited straight out of December, and clutching Valentine’s Day snow globes, puffy pink socks, and a toaster that will blacken a heart into your bread.

Good luck, Somebody. Make us proud.

I’m trying to think of the next holiday that I’m looking forward to and it’s an empty void. Groundhog Day would be fun if I knew any groundhogs, and then we have President’s Day here in America. I don’t know any of them either, which is nice, but isn’t every day President’s Day here? Maybe we could make President’s Day the day when we don’t have to think about a president.

No, the next holiday I’m looking forward to is in May. Free Comic Book Day. That’s the one to get excited about. It’s not a national holiday, but it should be.

Yes, I’m a nerd. Shocking.

K is me, here. When I get too exhausted I lose all verbal capacity. Most people enjoy the break from the sound of my voice, but it’s a good indicator that I’m past my expiration date.

There are a lot of jokes out there about customers asking an employee to “check in the back”, because the usual answer is “if it’s not on the shelf, then we don’t have it.” Of course, that answer isn’t written in stone, but when there is a lot of stuff in the back it can be almost impossible to check it. Anyone waiting on a clerk to check a thousand boxes is impatient. That one is written in stone.

I’ve had offers of free, yet menu restricted, lunches many times. It’s always sprung on me at the last minute and my first thought is usually of my poor peanut butter sandwich that will go uneaten. Have you ever tried to take home a peanut butter sandwich and bring it back the next day for lunch? It makes you feel pathetic, but not as pathetic as your sandwich winds up tasting.

I was in Walmart when I heard an announcement for the associates who work there. Walmart loves to give instructions to team members that we can all hear. Whoever was giving this announcement concluded it with “team work makes the dream work.” I’m sad to report that I did not see eyes light up with motivation.

This begins Shelby’s latest attempt to escape. Customers do like to talk to team members about their career options in real life.

I don’t wish to make anyone faint with the revelation that I used to be a smoker at one point in my life, but let me just say that when you work in hell that smoking outside of the building takes you away from it all and gives you the revelation that you are stupid. Both for smoking and working where you work.

I made the lady here burn through her entire cigarette, but only one reader seemed to notice. That lady exists, by the way.

There is no dignity in smoking, unless you were a cast member in Mad Men.

I don’t really drink, but the idea of drinking around my coworkers seems like a disaster. I can barely contain my internal monologue as it is.

I wrote this when the lottery was up to an Evil Billionaire level. It got a lot more attention than I imagined because evidently everyone bought a lottery ticket. Somebody won and became an evil billionaire, but I don’t think it was one of my readers.