It's Time For A Break

All Are Welcome

Ah, it’s nice to be here isn’t it? Yes it is. I know why you’re here. I also know why I’m writing this.

I need a break from the news.

The news is something I try to read in small doses. Some days I just peek, skim quickly, and go back to perfecting my milkshake recipe, or whatever serious task happens to be at hand. Other days I’m minding my own business, testing the stability of the top of my refrigerator as a storage shelf, or whatever, and the news barges in my front door, grabs me by the shoulders, and forces me to learn new and terrible things that I would rather dedicate my ignorance to.

I read the news instead of watching it. Reading allows me to go faster than people talk and cherry pick the facts, if there happens to be any. Written news is now hilarious because there are many “news articles” that require quotes because it’s not really news and it’s only an article in the sense that there are words that make up sentences that form paragraphs.

I’ll be reading the news and see something like “Stephen King Reveals His Most Hated Movie On Netflix”. I click on it and the article begins “Stephen King, born September 21, 1947, has been the Master of Horror since the 1974 publication of Carrie. The first two paragraphs of Carrie are as follows:” The super-fluff piece goes on forever to reveal, after you’ve scrolled down past five or six dozen ads, that Stephen King posted “Goodfellas is on Netflix. Never liked that one.” on whatever social media platform was open on his iPad. That’s enough to create entire paragraphs to form content for whichever site is getting the ad revenue. (Please note that this paragraph was for demonstration purposes only. The author has no idea what Stephen King thinks about Goodfellas, which is in fact an awesome movie.)

I’m not like that. God, I hope I’m not like that. I have actual content to share. You can read comics and be protected from any imposing and constant news, be it super-fluff pieces or actual facts. Let’s get going with that.

Stephen Beals has been the Master Of The Retail Comic since the 2020 publication of an Adult Children strip that caused “quite a chuckle” on GoComics. Now that the comic focuses on retail workers, the name Adult Children doesn’t quite work, but he is ignoring that for now. The first few weeks of his February 2026 comics are as follows:

I’ve been around long enough to discover that some very horrible customers have very horrible lives, so I reserve my gloating until I learn more. Once I establish that they are very horrible customers with decent lives I gloat at any misfortune they may have.

If you are in a superstore that has an automotive department, it’s like stepping into a different world when you enter it. The whole vibe changes. I think it’s the smell of new tires. That new tire smell tells you that your surroundings immediately became boring.

It’s true. Coworkers can rub off on you. This is only a good thing if you like them.

District Managers love Managers who work extra hours for no additional pay, even if there’s no real reason for them to still be there. It’s an easy way to judge a manager, regardless of its accuracy. These easy measuring methods are often easy for a reason.

I have yet to encounter a self checkout machine that I think is as good as a human cashier, but by god they’re trying.

Online databases know more about me than I do, especially because a lot of it isn’t accurate.

I never knew the purpose of this question, but then I had it explained to me by a group of people whose sole job was to train new managers. After it was clearly explained to me several times I can confidently say it’s for a stupid purpose.

I’ve worked at several places where we had to leave as a group but nothing ever happened, not even at the “scary” downtown library. I do appreciate safety, but I’ve never been able to appreciate the slowest employee while off the clock.

I’ve heard all of these lines at closing time. My favorite was “Well, I guess you don’t like to make money!” Maybe they think we get a commission. Who knows. The guy who yelled “This is important!” was in a completely darkened library with cathedral ceilings. His voice was echoing in the dark as a security guard was escorting him out. I guess his need for something important didn’t occur before 9:00 p.m.

This went viral, much to my delight. Early birds will forever mystify me. Why not, I don’t know, enjoy a comfy bed for a few more minutes?

I deeply appreciate everyone who reads this, but I’m giving an extra shoutout to paying subscribers today. Thanks to you I was able to survive winter without scrambling to figure out how to afford the high heating bills. Yes, your contribution goes to actual bills. We had an unusually cold few months. Apparently winter occurred on the moon this year, but paying the bill is still cheaper than moving somewhere that requires minimal alteration of the temperature. Hawaii will have to wait.