Customers Are Crazy

Luckily, so are the people helping them.

I like working with people. Now, I’m not talking about group projects. Group projects require what they call team players. Apparently I’ve never been one of those. I know this because at various points in my life I’ve had people with serious frowny faces get very close to me and emphasize, “You went off and did this on your own. Don’t do that. We are a team.” Nothing motivates you to be a part of a team like being regularly reminded that you are part of a team, and by you I mean not me.

But I do like one-on-one, back and forth interaction with a customer. This can be for a design project or selling toilet seats. It doesn’t matter. It’s still more fun than sitting alone at a computer all day proofreading books, which I’ve also done. It’s not for me. Working all day at a computer involves a lot of not talking. I don’t like not talking. I’d rather not not talk.

Cashiers are like little independent contractors. They’re out there with the rules hanging over them and a manager just out of visual range. They are upholding a written set of procedures that they have mostly memorized and when they interact with customers there is a lot of ad-libbing going on. Ninety percent of what they say may be true, and that’s good enough to get through the day. A cashier has to talk a lot and pretend to be attentive.

A cashier’s job is also easy and then suddenly not. The right customer can create a challenge that requires information from three different manuals and several obscure updates. After it’s all done they may feel like they’ve successfully landed a damaged aircraft. It’s as mentally and physically exhausting.

The end of the day makes a cashier finally appreciate not talking.

I’ve had to stand by a lot of machines with clearly written, step-by-step instructions and read those instructions to a customer. Daily. I don’t know why that is. It takes me forever to operate new things like an expert, so I sympathize, but it can be a little weird in certain situations. There’s only one way to interpret “Step One: Push The Red Button”.

I did enjoy instructing people on using the first self checkout machine at the library. It always had trouble scanning barcodes. I told one customer to make little airplane noises while he circled the book downward like a single engine aircraft that just lost power. He did and it worked. He scanned all of his books that way. Now that’s what you call a team player.

There are a lot of grumpy-looking people who will surprise you with their ability to laugh at themselves. A lot of their grumpiness is directed inward.

The person who can’t decide when it’s close to closing needs to discover the concept of time. I’m not suggesting that they master the Theory of Relativity, but at least learn to empathize with people who want to go home. Maybe the people who can’t decide are actually moving close to the speed of light and what seems like forever to me is only a few seconds to them, but I don’t think I’ve ever had Clark Kent as a customer.

If a happy customer thinks you remember them, just roll with it. The point is, they’re happy. Use your ad-libbing skills to try and keep up for the duration of their visit. They really need to emphasize your acting ability during training.

Oooh, early April Bloom. She had a more aggressive hairstyle at first.

Customers who are angry for reasons that are their own can go one of two ways. They can laugh at themselves or double down on their complaint. The current trend has been on doubling down. It would be funny if it weren’t a bit sad.

This was a long one that I had forgotten about. I like the twist here and the fact that he still wants to speak to a manager while being escorted out in handcuffs. Where did I come up with the name Frank Pocker? A quick search tells me that it’s uncommon, but German. My apologies to any Pockers out there.

I’ve seen customers escorted out by police but no reward money was collected. Rats.

I’ve done variations on this, but there are customers out there who make a point of complimenting good service. Thank you, customers who compliment good service.

People who like their experience are never motivated to leave reviews as much as people who are angry about something, which is why I take reviews with a grain of salt. My favorite review is always on Amazon for a book. A customer will give a new book a one star review and their reason has nothing to do with the contents of it. They’ll complain about the packaging or late shipping. Doesn’t exactly give me any insight into the book.

I put this one in here just because I liked the idea of looking at a cat beneath the counter. If we were all looking at cats instead of phones, would the people who like to complain about us looking at our phones all of the time switch their complaint to cats? This needs to be studied.

It’s a likely scenario, Carl.

If a store doesn’t open on time, expect to read all about it in Google Reviews. It probably won’t affect your visit.