Being New

For once, old is better.

A long time ago, in a galaxy so nearby that it was probably this one, I got a job in a department store. I was in college and needed some cash. It was a pretty good department store. Let’s call them Big Store That Is Currently Closing A Lot Of Locations, or BSTICCALOL for easier reference.

I was a bit of a dork back then. Ok, this is an honest posting, I was a bit more of a dork back then. My mind was on character animation, which was my major in college, and not on something as mundane as working in a department store. I felt like I was taking a major step down by allowing a place like BSTICCALOL to even employ one such as I.

Like I said, I was a bit of a dork.

There is nothing wrong with BSTICCALOL. They have a nice facility with quality clothing and merchandise. I still buy things from them. They also have a lot of licensed Peanuts products, so if you want some Snoopy jammies, you’ll wind up there.

Back then, deep in my dorkdom, I had to attend an orientation class at BSTICCALOL. There were quite a few people in a classroom setting, and the Certified BSTICCALOL HR Team Lead (they had bigger titles back then) was congratulating us on our new job and said she was happy to see so many of us who were eager to be there.

Then she looked at me.

“Except for you. You don’t look like you want to be here.”

Every head turned to look at me. I turned my head to look at nobody, since nobody was behind me, and we all said nothing.

It’s true, I didn’t want to be there. I probably adopted the same look I always adopt for classroom settings, which I call my “annoyed at my constipation look”. It’s a look that has never served me well. I don’t know if she was right to call me out in front of everyone like that, but she was right. I left during the first break.

I’ve been a new employee many times since BSTICCALOL, and if I’ve learned anything it’s to sincerely fake enthusiasm. Bitterness needs to be earned. Save your disgust until you’ve worked there awhile or you’ll look like a dork. Once you’ve passed your probationary period, spread your whining wings and fly.

Today, I hate being the new person because I like to know everything. I like to carefully figure out everything about a job and know it like the back of my hand. It’s all a strong desire not to feel stupid, and when you’re new it’s easy to feel stupid.

You’re not stupid, you’re new. And nobody knows everything anyway.

This is the introduction of the character Shelby, who was initially based on a real life person that ultimately annoyed me so much that I was very glad when I stopped working with her. She was a good person, but she could be a tad, I don’t know, dramatic? It was always something with her.

Here I examine the grief that is still going through the staff about the person who’s just left. In this case it’s K.

I hate this scenario. If you’ve ever worked at a place where the employees keep going on about the person you essentially replaced, it’s not exactly a team building exercise.

This has happened to me in many professions. When I was a graphic artist, a printer showed up with preprinted material that had the name of the guy I replaced on a bunch of gifts. There were pens, folders, a yo-yo, and other trinkets, all with Brad’s name on them.

His face fell when he saw me. “Do you know where Brad is working now?”

Sure, buddy, the first thing I did when I got this job was to ask for the name and whereabouts of the guy you used to do this! Thank god you showed up or all of my research would’ve been worthless!

Something tells me that Brad never got his gifts.

Here we have Tabby’s rules. Tabby’s real-life inspirational counterpart also has rules, but I think I had this rule back in my library days. I inherited it from a worker at his retirement party, who inherited it from another worker at his retirement party, and so on.

It’s an old rule.

C.Y.A. is an easy rule to forget. You’ll remember it if you get fired, but this is a rule, and here’s the important part, to remember before you get fired.

A quick, short answer always beats a lengthy explanation in most situations because it’s a scenario that’s been well thought out many years before. The customer is basically saying that two plus two equals five, and engaging him in a lengthy conversation is a waste of time.

Never walk among the customers if your goal is to leave the store. If your goal is to kill time and avoid doing whatever you’ve been assigned to do, by all means, take that walk.

For those of you who, as customers, complain that you can’t find anyone to ask a question, it’s because the store hired ninjas.

I forget what Berle is saying here. I love Germany, but never learned the language. Sadly, I used Translate. I remember German readers correcting my usage. They were correcting Google.

Ah, this is a big one. This is a rule you quote after something has happened. You try to help someone and it blows up in your face, usually with the customer angry. Had you done nothing, all would be well.

It takes a brave act of courage to do nothing in customer service.

Yes, this is a real thing.

It is often used to get out of an endless conversation with a customer who never stops talking. The customer is usually a very nice person who simply has diarrhea of the mouth. By the time a fellow staff member gets you away from them, you’re listening to some off topic story about their great-aunt’s gall stone collection. If you’re lucky. Endless conversationalists pride themselves on being explicit.